I am a horse trainer. I have been a horse trainer my whole life. I started on this journey because I loved horses. As a young girl and a teenager I lived and breathed horses. My horses lived in my backyard so I was lucky enough to do all their care and see them when I woke up and before I went to sleep.

Then horses became my job. While trying to build a business around other peoples’ horses I didn't own a horse of my own for a long time. I had school horses. I had sale horses. They weren't mine though. They had a job or an agenda. Of course I loved all of them but I couldn’t completely let them into my heart because then I could never let them go. And that is bad for business.

As the business progressed and prospered I was fortunate to get pretty busy. I couldn’t spare any time on my own horse. That would be a frivolous waste of billable hours. (Can you tell I have a business degree?) My job was to facilitate my clients relationship with their horses. While this is extremely fulfilling it did leave a hole. I was very far from the horse crazy girl with her horse in her backyard. Most days I never got to leave the arena. The grooms would bring me horse after horse to ride and then the lessons would come one after another. I was grateful to be busy. Then one day I realized I could not remember the last time I grazed a horse. Or brushed or bathed one. Or did anything in any hands on form of caring for them. I rode, taught and showed. When I wasn’t doing that I was dealing with the multitude of managerial and customer relations items that had to be dealt with. The closest I got to hands on was taking off the bridle.

This wasn’t me. This wasn’t why I got into horses to begin with. I lost touch with the love of each horse’s soul. I learned very early on that a professional can't get attached to other peoples’ horses. It is too heartbreaking when they leave. In an effort to save my heart I stayed guarded and didn’t let myself get attached. Some horses did get closer than others. One day it occurred to me that through this process of saving myself from being broken hearted I had stopped allowing myself to love horses at all.

In the long, daunting, and sometimes painful process (a story for another time) of getting back to loving horses I decided that I needed a horse of my own again. Financially a very stupid idea while for my happiness and my heart a brilliant one. I expressed this thought to my barn mate and very soon after that, maybe it was even on the same day, I found myself in a local dealer’s barn. We looked at several prospects and settled on a scrawny 15.3h 3 year old TB off the track. He had already had his rest and let down from racing. The original plan was to bring him in as a sales prospect. He wasn’t going to be a hunter prospect so my barn mate was not interested in him as a project. I had gotten to thinking about this guy. He got under my skin. So even though it was a pretty dumb idea financially and rationally I bought this horse. I wanted to be a girl that loved her horsey again. I wanted a horse in my life that had no agenda. He wasn’t for sale. He didn’t belong to someone else that I had to answer to or get him ready for. There was no rush or external pressure. No one could change their minds and take him away from me. I could open my heart completely and let him in. I was very much at a crossroads in my career and in my life. When I got him I knew that I would make decisions in my life because of him or for him that I wouldn't make otherwise. I was very much ok with that.

This horse was Lotus. Lotus did change my life. Lotus began to grow up. And did he grow! His nicknames became “the Beast” and “Monster”. By the age of 7 he had become a 17.3h mound of muscle. I loved him but our bond took a long time. Lotus was not super affectionate. He was kinda mean, a little standoffish, very strong, and pretty crazy.

I did make some pretty intense life changes because of Lotus. Lotus came along quite well in his training. He wasn’t going to be a hunter. He could have been a pretty good jumper. At the time I was feeling quite alienated and despondent with the whole hunter jumper world. These feelings had led me back to an early love of mine, eventing. And Lotus showed promise. I had a job at a hunter jumper barn that didn’t allow me much freedom of time to go do things like cross country school or show. I decided to leave that job in order to have more time and freedom to pursue training for eventing. I also made the move from IL to KY in order for Lotus to be able to live outside, for me to be immersed more in the eventing lifestyle, and to be where there was better conditioning and more opportunity to train for the sport.

Then life happened. It was much harder to find work than expected. Finances were nil. My friend hooked me up with a great place for him to live. He had a wonderful rolling KY farm with a big super hilly field where he lived 24/7. I had lots of adjusting to do for the change in lifestyle. I didn’t have any money to go do stuff with him. I didn’t know anyone. I had lots of hopes and dreams for us but it was put on hold. During this very dry spell I finally had time to really bond with Lotus. He actually let me come in his stall while he was laying down one day. He wasn’t mean anymore. He would trot or gallop up to me in the field when I went to catch him. Mostly because I was going to feed him but still this was impressive. He started to figure out I was his person.

My phone rang at 7:30 am. I jumped out of bed knowing that something was up. It was the barn owner calling to tell me the Lotus had passed during the night. I was in shock. He was only 7. He’d been healthy. There were no signs of struggle or discomfort. The necropsy results came back with a broken neck as cause of death most likely from lightning strike.

Now what do I do? The whole reason for moving and changing my life was now gone. All my hopes and plans were now empty. We had just started to really form that personal relationship I had craved and he was gone. I was completely lost and without direction. Financially this was probably a big help. Horses are not cheap. What did I do? What does any horse crazy girl do? I did a very stupid irrational but utterly imperative thing and got another horse.